About Me

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Top 10 Superheroes with Cool Powers that will Never Exist.

Name: Frequency Man
Power: He can control radio frequencies.
Uses: When he is using an FM transmitter in his car, he won't get doof doof interference from the fully sick car next to him.

Name: Predictaboy
Power: He can successfully predict the winner of every AFL game.
Uses: Makes him impossible to beat in footy tipping, and would make a killing on betting websites.

Name: FryerGirl
Power: She can disarm even the most deadly of criminals with her wicked (and charming) laugh.
Uses: When she really concentrates, she can target her laugh to destroy the enemy's weapons. When focused at an individual, it interrupts the emotional cortex of their brain, making them believe they are in a happy place before the SWAT team pop one in their frontal lobe.

Name: Osmosis Man
Power: He can control the transfer of liquid from one permeable substance to the next.
Uses: He doesn't need to get out of bed to go to the toilet.

Name: Amazing Grace
Power:Upon thanking God or Lite n Easy for her evening meal, Grace's refrigerator magically fills up with more food.
Uses: I suppose she could help the poor if she wanted.

Name: Captain Impervio
Power: He is impervious to anything that life throws at him. Bullets, corruption, cancer and lactose intolerance. Anything.
Uses: Gosh whatever he fricken wants to do.

Name: Tornador
Power: He can create tornadoes and control their direction.
Uses: Let's just say you're driving through the country and a cow is blocking the road...

Name: BrainWave
Power: With a small amount of concentration, BrainWave generates a shiver up his spine into his head, where he is then able to radiate his current emotional state to those nearby.
Uses: On a happy day, BrainWave could cure the emo disease.

Name: Forsyt
She can see the future of a particular person or item simply by touching the object.
Uses: She would be able to tell who stole the cookies from the cookie jar before they were even stolen.

Name: Blueteeth
Power: Can mentally connect to any Bluetooth enabled device and control the transfer of information, both between devices and to and from himself.
Uses: Could store illegally downloaded porn music in his head without getting caught.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Night at the Chiropractor

I had an appointment with the chiropractor at 4pm today. Just another checkup and minor adjustment. My chiropractor works out of what looks like a small house in inner-Melbourne. There is two doors to access the place. One is the entrance door to the waiting room. This room is very small: about 3 metres long by 1.5 metres wide. There is another door at the end of this room leading out to the garden behind the building. I've never ventured out there. The second entrance door is actually the exit door. This ensures that you come in to the waiting room, then you walk through to the main room, and exit without ever seeing another patient. It's kind of nice.

Anyway, I got in at about 3:50pm and took a seat. It's a small room, so there's only two chairs and a small coffee table with magazines on it. I just played on my iPhone while I waited. I could hear my chiropractor talking to her current patient. I was bored so I tried to listen. Something about camping. It sounds boring. Then, out of nowhere, the exit door sounds like it has been kicked in and a deep, bellowing male voice yells "GET ON THE FLOOR!"

I practically have a heart attack but somehow remain quiet. This is everything I have ever daydreamed of, and suddenly I have been thrown into it. I don't know what's going on but it doesn't sound good. I wonder why on earth someone would attack a tiny chiropractors office. They don't even have anything worth stealing unless you're after a comfy massage table or a model of a spine. But I didn't have time to think of that. I had two options. I could exit the waiting room and go in through the exit door...good plan there, I'm sure that would have gone incredibly well: "excuse me, oh you have a gun...i best be off" OR I could go through the door that links the waiting room with the office...which is locked.

I think for a second, because a second is all I have. My heart is beating like a bitch and I wonder if you can die from adrenalin. I have no idea what is behind the door but I can tell from the cries behind the door that this gentleman was not invited.

I picked up one of the waiting room chairs, quietly, and I knock on the door three times. "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" he yells through the door. Now, I don't know how I managed this but I did and I am awfully proud of myself for it. I put on an old ladies voice "it's Beryl. My appointment was supposed to be at 3:45 and I'm in a terrible hurry." My heart continues to beat itself through my chest. Not even my hoodie can hide it. I hear the footsteps through the door...he is coming. The chair is in front of me, like a shield, its legs facing outwards. "STAY ON THE FLOOR" he yells, before unclicking the lock. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING I think to myself. I am Tim, standing not much taller than 6 foot and weighing mildly more than a female supermodel, I'm hardly someone to be feared. But adrenalin is a beautiful thing. The door handle turns and the door opens quickly. I charge straight through the door, plowing over the intruder. I might not weigh much but with the force I hit him he falls over backwards. The other patient screams while my chiropractor also looks like she is in shock.

It turns out the guy isn't built like a brick shithouse, so this is good for me. Maybe he weighed about 85kg? More than me, but not so much that would have rendered me useless. I had made him fall backwards. He had no gun, just a small knife. He takes a swipe from the ground and cuts my leg. It hurt, and a trickle of blood starts to stain my jeans. I bashed him again with the chair and then planted the leg down on his arm. That was for my jeans. I didn't know I could move that quick!!? The force on his arm makes him drop the knife, my foot kicks it away, and then swiftly kicks the guy in the head. He's a bit weaker now. I hit him again over the head with the chair and he looks as though he's about to pass out. "COPS NOW!" I yell at my chiropractor. She seems ok. She rushes to her desk and calls 000.

At this time, semi-unconscious-but-still-environmentally-aware intruder is lying on the ground. His eyes fixed on mine. I have the chair still, ready to strike if he tries to move. He tests me, by twitching his leg. I respond by kicking him in the ribs. Thankfully the guy stays down.

The cops arrived after that. The response time of Melbourne's finest is to be commended. I ended up down at the station, giving reports and the like. It turned into a long night and after all of that, I never got my neck crunched. I did get my leg bandaged though. The paramedic also said that she thinks my jeans could be quite easily fixed. I wasn't happy about the cut in them.

One thing I've learnt doing this? There's no drug like adrenalin. However, I do wonder how I'll get to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What's on my Desk

I decided that this would be a good topic to blog about since it is actually quite a bit muddled.

So, I have compiled a list of things that are on my desk that actually don't need to be here at all. This is my desk at work mind you. I'm too cheap for a desk at home and prefer to lie in bed with much loved Macbook Pro on my lap.

  • A V/Line train ticket from Warragul.
  • A poem about an annoying and psychotic dog named John, who was threatened with death.
  • Jenefer's reply to said poem, threatening violence if any dog named John should be harmed.
  • Song lyrics that, at one time, inspired me.
  • A photo of Andy Murray, topless and looking amazing.
  • A picture from the newspaper of the Barefoot bandit. He was recently captured after eluding police in the United States for two years. I thought he was cute.
  • A space on the wall where the barefoot bandit used to be. I have now decided he is not cute.
  • A picture of the Essendon Bombers Mosquito mascot.
  • A signed photo of my colleague.
  • An image of myself and two colleagues as Batman, Robin and Batgirl.
  • Dust. Why don't the cleaners clean my desk.

That is all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Captain Impervio!

Exciting news. Captain Impervio has burst onto the Superhero scene. Catch all his updates, exclusively at Muddled with Lime. Add him on Facebook and and look out for him..


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Things That Make You Feel So Damn Good

There are something in this world that make you feel really good. It's like a chemical reaction brought upon by a physiological action or response or some external stimuli. Whatever it is, it gives you a moment of absolute bliss.

I'd like to share some examples.
I'd also like to express my disappointment in not being able to keep up this blogs and illustrations as much as I would have liked. Unfortunately a full time job does take its toll and I either have no time to illustrate or (as was the latest issue) I had a bit of writers block.

So, things that make you feel really good:

1. Unloading your bladder after you've been busting for ages.
All men will know what I’m talking about here. You desperately need to go, you get to the urinal, you unzip your pants and unleash. At the same time, your shoulders relax as you take a deep breath out. It’s like a mini-orgasm it feels so good. Time seems to stop and even though you're not in the most glamorous of places, your body seems to love it.

You don't want to become this relaxed though as you may catch E Coli.

2. A six year old massage.

Do you remember being six years old in Primary School? The class all sitting on the carpet in front of the teacher, listening to her tell you about Ducks, or telling some joke that was hilarious back then but in retrospect it was just dumb. Anyway, you're sitting on the carpet and suddenly the kid behind you starts drawing a picture on your back with their finger. Then they ask you what they drew, because it matters for some reason. It was always a car or a house, but you didn't care because it felt amazing.

The car always looked like this. I would intentionally guess wrong so they would keep drawing. Is it a bird? Is it the letter S?

3. Eating fine food.

Now, not everyone will appreciate this. Especially not overweight single mothers whose culinary prowess goes into meltdown when she has to cook anything more difficult than microwavable macaroni and cheese.

(It's got spirals!)

The visual sensation of a well plated meal or dessert, combined with the texture and the taste is enough to send any sophisticated person into a heavenly trance.

(umm YUM!!!)

No matter how good McDonalds Marketing is, their food will never make you feel this good. Nor will Philadelphia cream cheese spread, despite what they try to tell you.

4. Coming into work and realising your colleague has done everything possible to ensure no one touches your stuff while you’re gone.