About Me

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The 8-legged takeover

I'm not arachnophobic but I do not like spiders. At all. Not even if they're behind three feet of solid thick glass so they can't chew their way out into public. Like at the zoo. They still freak me out.

This post has been brought on by the daddy long legs that was on my bed the other day. My room is proper clean so I don't know why he (or she?) was even there. But he was. Resting on my pillow. I was angry, and scared at the same time. Even though it was just a daddy long legs, my imagination and fear for spiders made sure my brain perceived it as looking like this:
Note the thick body, covered in poisonous hairs and its 6 eyes and massive fangs. This creature was made for battle.

Spiders these days are getting smarter. They know things, and they know that we are scared of them. Just the other day, one was waiting for me in my friends garage. He pulled up and, knowing my fear of these creatures, casually points at the garage door and says "Hey Tim, look!"
I have never gotten out of a car and out of the garage so quickly in my life.

He seemed completely unperturbed by the approaching car (yes that is a car in the picture with the headlights on and not two crown jewels!). He just sat there. Maybe he was asleep as my mate suggested. I doubt it. Spiders can pretend to sleep. They're probably very good at it, waiting for the right moment to pounce and unleash their murderous fury on their unknowing and helpless victim.

I know this is just my imagination, but I think spiders are also getting stronger. Sometimes they just won't die! Traditional methods don't seem to be cutting it anymore. In addition to getting smarter, I think they have developed a new exoskeleton capable of withstanding such intense torture. A bit like Batman's new suit in Dark Knight.

New methods of killing spiders must be implemented and it is up to us to find them out. Here's my imagination's idea.

That's right, get the bastard drunk. I can't control two legs when I'm drunk so see how they go trying to look after their 8. The problem is, if Heineken can't get a spider drunk enough to walk in front of a two-tonne truck, then it's likely they'll end up spending more time at my apartment, likely playing Singstar with my housemate.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Almost abducted by single mothers

One of the things I love about having the day off is that I can wake up without the aid of an alarm. So I was in a good mood pretty much from the get go.

I had decided the night before that I really needed a rug for my bedroom. My apartment is all floorboards and it's only now that I really miss the luxury of carpet...even the shitty carpet that we had in the last place. Anyway, it was my belief that a rug would help "absorb" some of the cold and make waking up in the early mornings a bit more pleasant.

So I went to Spotlight for a rug because mum told me that they sell cheap ones and I didn't want to spend a lot of money. I mean really, what does a boy like me really need a rug for?
I walked around the store, wondering with each turn whether I had finally found them. They're rugs right, they're big, how hard could it be?

I started to worry that maybe my mum was part of a bigger conspiracy and that there were no rugs at Spotlight. She had lured me there to walk around, past all the single mothers with crying infants looking at me strangely as if they were thinking of abducting me and forcing me to be a male role model for their failure destined screaming kids.
This was not to be the case and was merely my imagination going at it again. I found the rugs. They were near the entrance, I just walked the long way around to find them.

Now my rug is in my bedroom and it's looking good. Now to add a few photo frames to the wall.

The rest of the day was equally productive and this lead me to want to make cookies. Cornflake and Sultana Cookies to be precise. Then a Plum Chicken Stir Fry with Carrots, Pak Choy and green vegetables. I realised something today too while I was cooking. I'm no Masterchef, but damn I make some good cookie dough.