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Saturday, May 22, 2010

The 8-legged takeover

I'm not arachnophobic but I do not like spiders. At all. Not even if they're behind three feet of solid thick glass so they can't chew their way out into public. Like at the zoo. They still freak me out.

This post has been brought on by the daddy long legs that was on my bed the other day. My room is proper clean so I don't know why he (or she?) was even there. But he was. Resting on my pillow. I was angry, and scared at the same time. Even though it was just a daddy long legs, my imagination and fear for spiders made sure my brain perceived it as looking like this:
Note the thick body, covered in poisonous hairs and its 6 eyes and massive fangs. This creature was made for battle.

Spiders these days are getting smarter. They know things, and they know that we are scared of them. Just the other day, one was waiting for me in my friends garage. He pulled up and, knowing my fear of these creatures, casually points at the garage door and says "Hey Tim, look!"
I have never gotten out of a car and out of the garage so quickly in my life.

He seemed completely unperturbed by the approaching car (yes that is a car in the picture with the headlights on and not two crown jewels!). He just sat there. Maybe he was asleep as my mate suggested. I doubt it. Spiders can pretend to sleep. They're probably very good at it, waiting for the right moment to pounce and unleash their murderous fury on their unknowing and helpless victim.

I know this is just my imagination, but I think spiders are also getting stronger. Sometimes they just won't die! Traditional methods don't seem to be cutting it anymore. In addition to getting smarter, I think they have developed a new exoskeleton capable of withstanding such intense torture. A bit like Batman's new suit in Dark Knight.

New methods of killing spiders must be implemented and it is up to us to find them out. Here's my imagination's idea.

That's right, get the bastard drunk. I can't control two legs when I'm drunk so see how they go trying to look after their 8. The problem is, if Heineken can't get a spider drunk enough to walk in front of a two-tonne truck, then it's likely they'll end up spending more time at my apartment, likely playing Singstar with my housemate.

1 comment:

  1. I killed a spider at your old apartment once, and one of your friends was so angry with me.
    I could've done the whole 'try to get it in a glass while it runs up your arm' thing, but it was poisonous looking, and I was drunk and tired.
    I do feel remorse when I kill them, if that counts at all. Tho not to the point where I would raise its children or anything.

    This reminds me of the episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the dad is trying to take a spider outside. It was fantastic