Silver Lining

I've been listening to a new album a lot lately. Happiness by Hurts. One song in particular seems to have me hooked and it is called Silver Lining.

Upon reflection, it made me think of a certain few things from my past that possibly tell me who I really am inside. See, I think I give off a vibe that I don't care. I know some people perceive this, maybe more than those that I know of.

There's a storm on the streets, but you still don't go
Watching and waiting for the rain to come.
And these words wouldn't keep you dry
Or wipe tears from an open sky,
But I know, but I know, but I know I'm right

Even when I know trouble is about to happen, I can't run away from it. I have to be there, in the thick of it all. It's not just about me standing there telling people "I told you so." It's being there because ultimately someone needs me...and I can help.

And I won't let you drown, when the water's pulling you in
I'll keep fighting, I'll keep fighting.
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning, and I see lightning

I had to wait, I couldn't run because without me you would die. Or everything would go to shit and I'm never going to stop until things are fixed and in their rightful order again. Things are never going to be perfect though. Not even my sunny disposition can stop the rain or the errors that are being made. All I can do is keep standing by, someone who helps people, but wants to looks like he's not. I do it in the background, I keep to the shadows.

When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining.
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining

I'll be there to help when you've got no way out. But it's a band-aid fix because we're only adding a second coat to the sky, one that's a slightly prettier colour than just grey. They don't make grey jewellery, it is silver. It's got a bit of shine to it.

I guess I'm the guy who wants to fix things, knows he can't, but he can prevent things from getting worse.

That's probably the most self reflection I've ever gotten from a song.

The Bathroom? First door on your right.

Last night's dream

Last night was a strange night. I got to sleep quite late and had to be up early for work, but I had a really strange dream that seemed to define the whole night's sleep.

I was at a restaurant with a bunch of faceless people. That detail obviously wasn't important. We were all sitting around a large outdoor table and a friendly blonde waitress came to serve us. Everybody ordered and I was left until the end. I'm not sure why but I didn't really seem to mind.


Then, as soon as I ordered, the blonde waitress yelled, "Congratulations!!!"
I was quite confused.
She began to explain, "You are our 20,000 customer. You have won a free steak and a facial treatment on your next visit."
Now I'm not sure if there is currently a restaurant that offers this but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't comply with health regulations. Unless it was Costco. Or perhaps this is my calling in life. I shall be an entrepreneur. Anyway back to the story, so I was a winner.



But it didn't end there. No no no. The restaurant had clearly known their 20,000th customer would place an order on that exact day. The blonde waitress told me to look into the sky...


A plane was doing some skywriting to notify everyone of this apparently amazing achievement. I'm not sure who Stef is or if they even finished their text. But that's where the story ends. If you're confused, please join the club.

Stef, enjoy your fucking steak and facial.

Dear Donald

I have this uncle who is a complete twat - to be nice about it. He's been causing family problems for years, not to mention the constant verbal attacks on me. I wasn't present at the last family function, but more stuff came out of his mouth. Upon hearing the stories that came out of this occasion I set out to locate his email address to send him the email below.

You will notice it is very much inspired by David over at www.27bslash6.com. If you haven't seen his blog before then best you do.

______________________________________________________

From: Tim

To: Donald

Subject: Hello

Dear Donald,

Let me first express my sincere apologies for being unavailable at the recent family function on Father's Day. I did hear that you were quite upset at the small number of family members who could not be in attendance. I am quite sure my presence was missed as I usually always bring a smile to the room. Sometimes two. I like to share.

How are things going up in Sunbury? I do hope the weather is mildly better than here in Maribyrnong. How is your job going too? I have been working hard and a change of industries is imminent. I have been working on a super secret project but I suppose since we are family I can let you in on the secret. I have spent the last 4 months and $2200 developing a tartan paint. Think of the possibilities. We could team up and rule the world. All of the Cobra Car Club would look super swank in their tartan coloured Cobra's. Everyone would flock to see what the fuss was about. Top Gear would then probably wonder what all the fuss was about and they would perform time trials in various tartan-coloured cars to determine whether there is a nexus between the percentage of red paint on a car to its overall speed.

I do know it has been quite a while since we have caught up and conversed. I hope that this email goes some way to bridging the gap, rebuilding the bridge that started falling apart 10 years, 6 months and 20 days ago.

I have created a picture for you to hold on to. I never got to draw you a picture as a young child so hopefully this ticks something else off my bucket list. It is both cleverly put together and informative. It shows the evolution of man. I have included one other column as to how I think we will evolve next. It has not been proven yet by scientists but that is probably because they are too busy and do not quite have the vision that I have.

Ready and willing to assist

On my recent departure from New Zealand, I was greeted at the check-in desk by a lovely lady with a pretty smile and a lovely surprise in store for me.

"I'm going to seat you in the emergency aisle because you're quite tall."

"Oh cool. I've never sat there before."

"Well you get more leg room, but you also need to be reading and willing to assist in the case of an emergency. Would you be ready and willing to assist?"

"Yes ma'am, to serve and protect!"

She thought I was a bit weird so she quickly weighed my bag and sent me on my merry way with my boarding pass.

...

A bit of time passes and I get to board and take my seat. My first thought: "Oh my gosh, the legroom!!!" It was heaven. As the last of the passengers were boarding, one of the flight attendants starts briefing us on how to open the emergency exit door, should an emergency arise. The call sign for us to jump into action is "Evacuate evacuate evacuate" although I'm quite sure it would sound more like "AAAAAAAH EVACUATE-EVACUATE-EVACUATE"

Then the flight started, we were taxied out onto the runway and then up we went.

Now, I'm not a nervous flyer, but sitting in the emergency aisle puts a different perspective on flying. Things that normally wouldn't bother me suddenly resulted in my imagination taking over.

• We hit a bit of turbulence - "OH GOD, what if this is not just standard turbulence? Am I ready to open the door? But only if there's no fire out there! I'll have to be ready and willing to assist people to exit the vehicle."

• "The lady next to me looks a bit weak. She'll have to be the first person I assist. I'll need to reach over her and open the door myself."

• Upon starting to fall to sleep - "NO TIM, NO SLEEP! If we have to evacuate you need to be ready to open that door."

Anyway, as expected there was no emergency, we landed safely and disembarked the plane in the standard manner.

Timothy Rupert chooses to fly Jetstar. Australia's low fares airline.

The Top 10 Superheroes with Cool Powers that will Never Exist.

Name: Frequency Man

Power: He can control radio frequencies.

Uses: When he is using an FM transmitter in his car, he won't get doof doof interference from the fully sick car next to him.

Name: Predictaboy

Power: He can successfully predict the winner of every AFL game.

Uses: Makes him impossible to beat in footy tipping, and would make a killing on betting websites.

Name: FryerGirl

Power: She can disarm even the most deadly of criminals with her wicked (and charming) laugh.

Uses: When she really concentrates, she can target her laugh to destroy the enemy's weapons. When focused at an individual, it interrupts the emotional cortex of their brain, making them believe they are in a happy place before the SWAT team pop one in their frontal lobe.

Name: Osmosis Man

Power: He can control the transfer of liquid from one permeable substance to the next.

Uses: He doesn't need to get out of bed to go to the toilet.

Name: Amazing Grace

Power:Upon thanking God or Lite n Easy for her evening meal, Grace's refrigerator magically fills up with more food.

Uses: I suppose she could help the poor if she wanted.

Name: Captain Impervio

Power: He is impervious to anything that life throws at him. Bullets, corruption, cancer and lactose intolerance. Anything.

Uses: Gosh whatever he fricken wants to do.

Name: Tornador

Power: He can create tornadoes and control their direction.

Uses: Let's just say you're driving through the country and a cow is blocking the road...

Name: BrainWave

Power: With a small amount of concentration, BrainWave generates a shiver up his spine into his head, where he is then able to radiate his current emotional state to those nearby.

Uses: On a happy day, BrainWave could cure the emo disease.

Name: Forsyt

She can see the future of a particular person or item simply by touching the object.

Uses: She would be able to tell who stole the cookies from the cookie jar before they were even stolen.

Name: Blueteeth

Power: Can mentally connect to any Bluetooth enabled device and control the transfer of information, both between devices and to and from himself.

Uses: Could store illegally downloaded porn music in his head without getting caught.

My Night at the Chiropractor

I had an appointment with the chiropractor at 4pm today. Just another checkup and minor adjustment. My chiropractor works out of what looks like a small house in inner-Melbourne. There is two doors to access the place. One is the entrance door to the waiting room. This room is very small: about 3 metres long by 1.5 metres wide. There is another door at the end of this room leading out to the garden behind the building. I've never ventured out there. The second entrance door is actually the exit door. This ensures that you come in to the waiting room, then you walk through to the main room, and exit without ever seeing another patient. It's kind of nice.

Anyway, I got in at about 3:50pm and took a seat. It's a small room, so there's only two chairs and a small coffee table with magazines on it. I just played on my iPhone while I waited. I could hear my chiropractor talking to her current patient. I was bored so I tried to listen. Something about camping. It sounds boring. Then, out of nowhere, the exit door sounds like it has been kicked in and a deep, bellowing male voice yells "GET ON THE FLOOR!"

I practically have a heart attack but somehow remain quiet. This is everything I have ever daydreamed of, and suddenly I have been thrown into it. I don't know what's going on but it doesn't sound good. I wonder why on earth someone would attack a tiny chiropractors office. They don't even have anything worth stealing unless you're after a comfy massage table or a model of a spine. But I didn't have time to think of that. I had two options. I could exit the waiting room and go in through the exit door...good plan there, I'm sure that would have gone incredibly well: "excuse me, oh you have a gun...i best be off" OR I could go through the door that links the waiting room with the office...which is locked.

I think for a second, because a second is all I have. My heart is beating like a bitch and I wonder if you can die from adrenalin. I have no idea what is behind the door but I can tell from the cries behind the door that this gentleman was not invited.

I picked up one of the waiting room chairs, quietly, and I knock on the door three times. "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" he yells through the door. Now, I don't know how I managed this but I did and I am awfully proud of myself for it. I put on an old ladies voice "it's Beryl. My appointment was supposed to be at 3:45 and I'm in a terrible hurry." My heart continues to beat itself through my chest. Not even my hoodie can hide it. I hear the footsteps through the door...he is coming. The chair is in front of me, like a shield, its legs facing outwards. "STAY ON THE FLOOR" he yells, before unclicking the lock. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING I think to myself. I am Tim, standing not much taller than 6 foot and weighing mildly more than a female supermodel, I'm hardly someone to be feared. But adrenalin is a beautiful thing. The door handle turns and the door opens quickly. I charge straight through the door, plowing over the intruder. I might not weigh much but with the force I hit him he falls over backwards. The other patient screams while my chiropractor also looks like she is in shock.

It turns out the guy isn't built like a brick shithouse, so this is good for me. Maybe he weighed about 85kg? More than me, but not so much that would have rendered me useless. I had made him fall backwards. He had no gun, just a small knife. He takes a swipe from the ground and cuts my leg. It hurt, and a trickle of blood starts to stain my jeans. I bashed him again with the chair and then planted the leg down on his arm. That was for my jeans. I didn't know I could move that quick!!? The force on his arm makes him drop the knife, my foot kicks it away, and then swiftly kicks the guy in the head. He's a bit weaker now. I hit him again over the head with the chair and he looks as though he's about to pass out. "COPS NOW!" I yell at my chiropractor. She seems ok. She rushes to her desk and calls 000.

At this time, semi-unconscious-but-still-environmentally-aware intruder is lying on the ground. His eyes fixed on mine. I have the chair still, ready to strike if he tries to move. He tests me, by twitching his leg. I respond by kicking him in the ribs. Thankfully the guy stays down.

The cops arrived after that. The response time of Melbourne's finest is to be commended. I ended up down at the station, giving reports and the like. It turned into a long night and after all of that, I never got my neck crunched. I did get my leg bandaged though. The paramedic also said that she thinks my jeans could be quite easily fixed. I wasn't happy about the cut in them.

One thing I've learnt doing this? There's no drug like adrenalin. However, I do wonder how I'll get to sleep tonight.