Alcoholic April Day 1

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while. There have been a lot of reasons why I haven't updated this lately. One of them is laziness. The other is that I received an anonymous tip off that the FBI were watching me. Turns out they weren't, it was just my neighbours' wifi.

So I've turned to alcohol in an effort to put on a bit of weight. This was brought on by my recent attendance at an event in which I looked super skinny and not cool. A look I have coined as "skiggly", it is the skinny side of ugly.

The Plan

Alcoholic April. It's a minimum of two alcoholic beverages every single night. I actually started on March 31 but who's counting!

Why not document my progress? The trials and tribulations, the issues that come with consuming alcohol. It's a lesson for us all on the dangers of alcohol and being too skinny.

So, here begins Day 1.

April 1.

It's April Fools day and everyone thinks I'm just messing about. I go through periods with alcohol where I drink a fair amount in one weekend and then nothing at all for 6 weeks. But this is not a joke.

Work drinks are organised (how convenient!) so I'm at the bar downing some beers. Only three. Kronenberg is one of my favourite beers. It is currently my preferred beer, but they all take turns at the top. So I'm drinking, responsibly, and I'm feeling really good. Alcohol is making me happy.

Then I got home safely (and under the limit I should add) and had a very late dinner somewhere around 10:30pm before heading to bed. Doesn't eating right before bed help you put on weight?

The Stats:

Starting Height: about 191cm

Starting weight: about 65kg

Drink count: 3

My Song

So I tried my hand at writing a poem of sorts. I'm not a literature guru, and I'm pretty sure this poem doesn't follow any poem logic. There's no a+b=c here. But let me know what you think.

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Finally home, a hard day with the family. The house sits, still, in darkness. I am alone.

The silence is addictive. I sit, motionless on the couch, staring at my laptop screen. It plays the softest of music. It is my song. But there is peace.

My thoughts are mellow. My muscles relaxed. My phone turned off. Cool water in hand.

The gentle beat of the music gives my breathing rhythm. I am alone, but I am happy. I simply exist.

But then you interrupt me. Your presence drags on my heart like a couch being dragged along floorboards.

How did you find me. I want to know, but I care not to ask. Your voice in my head drowns out my song. It is not soft.

The rhythm is gone. My muscles become tense. Simple, basic thoughts have turned to anxiety. I cannot cope.

I run. Both physically and mentally. My mind is scattered. You have caught me off guard.

My breathing, once rhythmic and easy is now not. It hurts. It pushes out air as quickly as it takes it in. You have taken over me.

I run faster, but time catches up on me. I am exhausted. Deep breaths. The worry has not passed.

I am alone. The only constant I know. The air is still and quiet, but I am not at peace. There is nothing calming here.

I return home. My breathing slowing down. I smile. I am fine. But I am not. Like the facade of peace in the night air I am not what I seem.

I am alone. I sit, staring at myself in the mirror. I know this person, but he has changed. His song has lost its rhythm.

Silver Lining

I've been listening to a new album a lot lately. Happiness by Hurts. One song in particular seems to have me hooked and it is called Silver Lining.

Upon reflection, it made me think of a certain few things from my past that possibly tell me who I really am inside. See, I think I give off a vibe that I don't care. I know some people perceive this, maybe more than those that I know of.

There's a storm on the streets, but you still don't go
Watching and waiting for the rain to come.
And these words wouldn't keep you dry
Or wipe tears from an open sky,
But I know, but I know, but I know I'm right

Even when I know trouble is about to happen, I can't run away from it. I have to be there, in the thick of it all. It's not just about me standing there telling people "I told you so." It's being there because ultimately someone needs me...and I can help.

And I won't let you drown, when the water's pulling you in
I'll keep fighting, I'll keep fighting.
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning, and I see lightning

I had to wait, I couldn't run because without me you would die. Or everything would go to shit and I'm never going to stop until things are fixed and in their rightful order again. Things are never going to be perfect though. Not even my sunny disposition can stop the rain or the errors that are being made. All I can do is keep standing by, someone who helps people, but wants to looks like he's not. I do it in the background, I keep to the shadows.

When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining.
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining

I'll be there to help when you've got no way out. But it's a band-aid fix because we're only adding a second coat to the sky, one that's a slightly prettier colour than just grey. They don't make grey jewellery, it is silver. It's got a bit of shine to it.

I guess I'm the guy who wants to fix things, knows he can't, but he can prevent things from getting worse.

That's probably the most self reflection I've ever gotten from a song.

The Bathroom? First door on your right.

Last night's dream

Last night was a strange night. I got to sleep quite late and had to be up early for work, but I had a really strange dream that seemed to define the whole night's sleep.

I was at a restaurant with a bunch of faceless people. That detail obviously wasn't important. We were all sitting around a large outdoor table and a friendly blonde waitress came to serve us. Everybody ordered and I was left until the end. I'm not sure why but I didn't really seem to mind.


Then, as soon as I ordered, the blonde waitress yelled, "Congratulations!!!"
I was quite confused.
She began to explain, "You are our 20,000 customer. You have won a free steak and a facial treatment on your next visit."
Now I'm not sure if there is currently a restaurant that offers this but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't comply with health regulations. Unless it was Costco. Or perhaps this is my calling in life. I shall be an entrepreneur. Anyway back to the story, so I was a winner.



But it didn't end there. No no no. The restaurant had clearly known their 20,000th customer would place an order on that exact day. The blonde waitress told me to look into the sky...


A plane was doing some skywriting to notify everyone of this apparently amazing achievement. I'm not sure who Stef is or if they even finished their text. But that's where the story ends. If you're confused, please join the club.

Stef, enjoy your fucking steak and facial.

Dear Donald

I have this uncle who is a complete twat - to be nice about it. He's been causing family problems for years, not to mention the constant verbal attacks on me. I wasn't present at the last family function, but more stuff came out of his mouth. Upon hearing the stories that came out of this occasion I set out to locate his email address to send him the email below.

You will notice it is very much inspired by David over at www.27bslash6.com. If you haven't seen his blog before then best you do.

______________________________________________________

From: Tim

To: Donald

Subject: Hello

Dear Donald,

Let me first express my sincere apologies for being unavailable at the recent family function on Father's Day. I did hear that you were quite upset at the small number of family members who could not be in attendance. I am quite sure my presence was missed as I usually always bring a smile to the room. Sometimes two. I like to share.

How are things going up in Sunbury? I do hope the weather is mildly better than here in Maribyrnong. How is your job going too? I have been working hard and a change of industries is imminent. I have been working on a super secret project but I suppose since we are family I can let you in on the secret. I have spent the last 4 months and $2200 developing a tartan paint. Think of the possibilities. We could team up and rule the world. All of the Cobra Car Club would look super swank in their tartan coloured Cobra's. Everyone would flock to see what the fuss was about. Top Gear would then probably wonder what all the fuss was about and they would perform time trials in various tartan-coloured cars to determine whether there is a nexus between the percentage of red paint on a car to its overall speed.

I do know it has been quite a while since we have caught up and conversed. I hope that this email goes some way to bridging the gap, rebuilding the bridge that started falling apart 10 years, 6 months and 20 days ago.

I have created a picture for you to hold on to. I never got to draw you a picture as a young child so hopefully this ticks something else off my bucket list. It is both cleverly put together and informative. It shows the evolution of man. I have included one other column as to how I think we will evolve next. It has not been proven yet by scientists but that is probably because they are too busy and do not quite have the vision that I have.

Ready and willing to assist

On my recent departure from New Zealand, I was greeted at the check-in desk by a lovely lady with a pretty smile and a lovely surprise in store for me.

"I'm going to seat you in the emergency aisle because you're quite tall."

"Oh cool. I've never sat there before."

"Well you get more leg room, but you also need to be reading and willing to assist in the case of an emergency. Would you be ready and willing to assist?"

"Yes ma'am, to serve and protect!"

She thought I was a bit weird so she quickly weighed my bag and sent me on my merry way with my boarding pass.

...

A bit of time passes and I get to board and take my seat. My first thought: "Oh my gosh, the legroom!!!" It was heaven. As the last of the passengers were boarding, one of the flight attendants starts briefing us on how to open the emergency exit door, should an emergency arise. The call sign for us to jump into action is "Evacuate evacuate evacuate" although I'm quite sure it would sound more like "AAAAAAAH EVACUATE-EVACUATE-EVACUATE"

Then the flight started, we were taxied out onto the runway and then up we went.

Now, I'm not a nervous flyer, but sitting in the emergency aisle puts a different perspective on flying. Things that normally wouldn't bother me suddenly resulted in my imagination taking over.

• We hit a bit of turbulence - "OH GOD, what if this is not just standard turbulence? Am I ready to open the door? But only if there's no fire out there! I'll have to be ready and willing to assist people to exit the vehicle."

• "The lady next to me looks a bit weak. She'll have to be the first person I assist. I'll need to reach over her and open the door myself."

• Upon starting to fall to sleep - "NO TIM, NO SLEEP! If we have to evacuate you need to be ready to open that door."

Anyway, as expected there was no emergency, we landed safely and disembarked the plane in the standard manner.

Timothy Rupert chooses to fly Jetstar. Australia's low fares airline.